Thursday, August 25, 2011

Target In Range, Tail End Charlie Requests Permission To Lay An Egg

On a dark night seventy-one years ago today the RAF bombed Berlin for the first time, shocking Hitler and causing him to order the Luftwaffe to cease bombing British airfields and air defenses and undertake the Blitz. These night-time bombing raids destroyed more than a million homes in London alone and accounted for more than 40,000 civilian casualties. The RAF retaliated at Berlin and Mannheim and ultimately appropriated the Luftwaffe's techniques, greatly magnifying their scale in concert with the USAAF, in the horrific firebombings of Dresden in 1945.

In the pictured diagram one can see the devastating effect of high explosives distributed in a carpeting pattern over civilian targets. The devastation is total, what isn't immediately destroyed by TNT is consumed by ensuing fires. The concussive force alone of many of these bomb blasts was enough to cause buildings not immediately in the path of explosive destruction to leap their foundations and land off axis relative to the street grid. Far and wide throughout cities attacked in this manner scenes like the one pictured were to be found. Once vibrant cities were now populated by a numbed populace unable to flee and accustomed to sleeping out of doors or in underground transit stations as they attempted to reconcile heretofore unknown destruction and loss. Modern air warfare had truly begun, its legacy damning civilian populations the world over to this day.




Morning, Sunshine!

For breakfast this morning I thought, why not Full Moon Over My-Alley? No trip to Denny's required. And with a salad!




Saturday, August 20, 2011

A Reader Submission!

A first for us at Gnarly Gnap is this submission from a reader. It is a study in repose: bag of beer-like-drink, right arm and leg flaccid in luxurious relaxation, left arm working to keep out the daylight and squished up tight against the Hallmark Warehouse to avoid sidewalk drivers. And all this on a pink baby blanket to show that this gnapper isn't afraid of anyone questioning his masculinity. The neighborhood works its magic again. Thanks for the sharp shot Reader! We nearly missed it...



Monday, August 8, 2011

Ombudsman's Corner

Here at Gnarly Gnap we aren't afraid to acknowledge errors and oversights. Regular readers might recall a post that touched upon Alcohol By Volume (ABV) percentages. We advocated Steel Reserve as the beverage most capable of nurturing a lovely nap. Well we aren't so proud that we can't report that we missed the King Of Naps. With California having outlawed the sale of 4Loko and like beverages it seemed that the holy grail of 12% ABV in a can was a fleeting dream, let alone for less than two bucks a bunk. We were wrong. (We also know the location of a retail outlet still offering the fruity delights of 4Loko and its location will surprise you. Drop us a line if you missed the Jolly Rancher inflected nap fuel that was 4Loko.)

Today we are pleased to report that this intrepid gnapper has enlightened us to the quiet joys of Earthquake High Gravity Lager enabling us to correct our earlier oversight. Made by the brewers (?) of 4Loko, Earthquake Lager will make you get out of your chair and curl up like a baby. Granted a real professional may still need the influence of a pocket of vodka but when you are living the excitement of your favorite red pimp hat of course it'll take a little more than usual to put you down.

Red pimp hat!





Friday, August 5, 2011

Economies Of Whoah

Not a minute before this nap was captured the empty can that launched this repose was extracted from its bag by an industrious scrapper braving the abundant consequences of the fecal explosion that wore this poor tired gnapper out. That sort of intrepid industry is what builds capital, shows spine and makes the American way the best way. Huzzah for capitalism! Huzzah for get-up-and-go! Huzzah for us!

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Slutwalk SF This Saturday- A SternoToast PSA

Dealing with the chronically wasted on Gnap Alley causes one to learn pretty quick that a majority of the princes hanging out drinking, getting high or otherwise likely to drop a nap around here are unredeemed assholes. They get belligerent when asked to clear a door or gate, to stop pissing on a car or to generally take it somewhere else. Belligerent as if it is their right to behave badly on a public street- and fuck you for: wanting to get into your building, preferring your car not smell like piss, caring. A substantial percentage think nothing of verbally accosting a passing woman- all the stereotypical justifications apply. It's this lot that Gnarly Gnap has in its sights.
 
Imagine what a homeless woman faces in this crowd. According to a 2005 Department of Justice funded study* homeless women are two to four times more likely to be the victims of violence than a woman that is not homeless. It is estimated that between 25 and 50% of women who become homeless are on the streets because of violence, either in the home or on the street. Common wisdom for women on the street is to "get a man" in the hopes that the pairing will foster some protection from the dangers that lurk living the ultimate day to day- great if the man she gets isn't a creep. Fat chance in this lot.

To be sure the men of Gnap Alley don't have a stranglehold on sub-par, antisocial behavior; where there is a congregation of princes there eventually will be a princess. But if the alley is a microcosm of all that is bad in the world men are certainly more likely to be predator and women prey. And although a thorough soiling, perforated liver or rotted brain come along with the territory when venturing deep into the wilds of Gnapland, being assaulted, raped or murdered absolutely shouldn't.


* Experience Of Violence In The Lives Of Homeless Women, 2005. Jasinski, Wesely, Mustaine And Wright; Grant # 2002WGBX0013




Gnarly Gnap will return to its regularly scheduled antics as soon as a nap lowers its somnolent head....

Like Waking From A Dream...

Waking is rarely fun- chasing away dreamy sprites and leaving the bucolic meadows of the mind is a harsh toke no matter what the spin. Point is, spinning in your head, eyes twitching while trying to focus on Gnap Alley can really be a bummer. Hope there's a tonic in that bag of bottle- you don't want to do this all over again, again.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Score!

For Christ's sake, get someone trustworthy to watch your stuff when you take a nap. Jeez....

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

What Percent Are You?

The San Francisco Department of City Planning has ideas about what should and shouldn't be sold and where in this town. Some think the DCP should mind their own business. For instance, DCP says that single service containers of alcohol should not be sold at many corner liquor stores- depending on the sort of district you like to nap in you could be hard pressed to find that which brings you to the Sandman. Can you imagine?! DCP also thinks that malt liquors that exceed 5.7% alcohol by volume have no place on the shelves of these districts. The nerve! I mean, c'mon, King Coby checks in at 5.9% a.b.v. - how is that going to tuck you in? Real gnappers know that the only way to guarantee a nap is to suck down a Steel Reserve tall boy- 8.1% lays you down nice. The only thing better is two Steelies and a pocket of vodka. Re-lax-ing.


Thank G-d that most liquor stores in these districts ignore these obligations with impunity. Who has ever heard of a Planning cop? Fuck that, a Steel and you are like a kitty on the sofa in the sun.

Monday, July 25, 2011

Whoah, Fuck.

Ever have the sort of night where you aren't quite sure what hit you? Out on the town, you're saggin', looking good, feeling better, then- BLAMMO, it's all over. Your angels have left you.... You're sure that you have just the thing in your bag of tricks to make it all right, all night but try as you might you can't find it- whatever it was. And then it's morning. But it was right there a minute ago, maybe you left it on the bumper? Lay back and groan, you'll feel better before long. Take a nap friend, don't mind the poop.

Liquid Pillow?

If crying in your beer is frowned upon is napping in your beer? It's familiar, cool and comforting. Not that comfort is a prerequisite for a nap... naps happen when naps happen, damn the torpedoes, you're napping!

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Springy Shoes!

Hey, have you seen those shoes that have springs on the heels? Lift your spirits, put a spring in your step? Light on your feet- boing, boing, boing! Until you have to make a malt liquor pie 'cause then it's all bouncy-wobbly. Oh, shit- the shoes, the pants, the shirt... fuck, time for a nap.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Long Cold Summer Days

It's been foggy, drizzling and cold- summer weather in the city frankly sucks. And it cuts way down on naps. The sun has finally returned though and with it the gnappers. It's tough catching a break in the big city, bad weather, SFPD- who can get any shut-eye? Especially when the fuzz mentions that your napping is a problem ("It's my seizures!" "No, it's your drinking, you're lucky they didn't pour cold water on you.") that they are tired of dealing with. So hard to bag a nap when your reputation precedes you.


Friday, July 8, 2011

God, I Need A Nap

It's mid-afternoon, I'm trying to hang on and get through the last of the work carp that absolutely needs to be finished this week and I need a nap or at least some excitement to jar me from this somnambulating haze. A nap sounds so good....

Sometimes a nap crackles awake with a jolt. Say you're nodding off in your car, a malty beverage fortified with ingredients that aren't vitamins and minerals in the console between the seats and maybe it's not your car. And let's say your nap, as do the rest of your workaday activities, lives beneath the overarching architecture of a warrant. And that your workaday world doesn't involve the sort of work the Renaissance coiners of "workaday" might have imagined. Assault and robbery are what pay your way, at least as far as the Man is concerned, although we've already seen the effects of relative perspectives. Fuck all that smart-ass shit, you need to slow it down for an hour or so, so you duck onto an alley and take a well-deserved break. But that nettlesome warrant for your arrest has attached to it "armed and dangerous" and the pistol in your waistband probably informs that assessment, at least a little. And you forget that your ride isn't really your ride, because, well, you're driving it. Nap-dreams are invaded by blue men that aren't the Smurfs you've seen dancing with the drank in your spun head these last few nights. No, these smurfs are there because they were tipped off by a meter maid who happened to notice the ride you bedded down in was hot-listed. End of nap.

You should never steal a red car either.

Sunday, July 3, 2011

Take the Gnapheads Bowling!

On the rare hot summer day the gnaps fall like bowling pins. Hard to say if this is a strike or a gutter ball.

Maybe let's call it a spare?

...brother can you spare a 40?

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Ooops!

Sometimes, after a long nap with a favorite horse a person stands up and something falls out of them. Something that has been inside them a long, long time.


Bear in mind that small sidewalk squares like that are 24-30" square. The scale that is absent is the scale of the marvelous bouquet. Earthy, with undertones of rot and a finish that hangs on the clothes. Points also for composition- a delicate centering with just enough off balance to keep it vital.

What brushing starts, Listerine finishes.

Dental hygiene doesn't preclude napping- the ambitious triple task.



Clean dents, wasted and a nap- such a busy man. More naps to come!

Welcome to the neighborhood

Even the outskirts of the Sixth St. Corridor have their hazards. When folks aren't napping they are scoring and to score you gotta get paid!



Remember, while you think it's a rip off, from the other side of that window it looks like laying the groundwork for a nap.

Are you sleepy?

Welcome to a continuing documentation of a very specific sort of nap. Warm some milk and lay right down!



Just napping...